my new favorite holiday is valentines day bc of these being all over tumblr
i wonder if anyone has ever peed in the olympic pool
“WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SLICE THEIR PALM TO GET BLOOD. do you know how many nerve endings are in your hand?!?! why don’t they ever cut the back of their arm or their leg or something omfg” —
me everytime a character in a movie has to get a few drops of their blood for some ritual bullshit (via jtoday)
WHILE WE’RE AT IT, why do people try to cross those skinny bridges over lava/chasms/whatever by walking upright. IT’S CALLED CENTER OF GRAVITY. get on your hands and knees and crawl across that thing. HUG IT. SCOOT YOUR BUTT ACROSS. “but i look stupid!” lalalala but we’ll avoid that ~dramatic moment~ where you almost fall over and die because your damn fucking self wanted to look COOL
and stop yanking IV lines out of your arms the minute you wake up in the hospital
That is a broadsword, why are you fencing with it
There is a freaking door right there. Stop smashing through windows, damn it.
yes, mr. action hero, I am aware that running dramatically from the baddies at breakneck speed is important, but know what else is important? NOT GETTING SHOT. RUN IN A FUCKING ZIGZAG PATTERN ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT THE MOOKS WERE NOT COACHED IN MARKSMANSHIP BY THE IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS.
Oh, hey, you there, sneaky hero-type breaking into any place for any reason? WEAR SOME FUCKING GLOVES. They’re called fingerprints, dumbass. You have them and you’re putting them all over the fucking place.
If something really fucking huge is falling on you, don’t FUCKING RUN ALONG THE LENGTH JUST TAKE LIKE TWO FUCKING STEPS TO THE SIDE
my mom meant to post a picture of her dog and posted a picture of a turkey instead
if you try to tell me cold doesnt have a smell you’re wrong
when its really cold you can literally smell how cold it is
*goes to a party and awkwardly follows freind around the entire time*
Do you ever just like flex your foot wrong and it cramps and you’re just like this is it, this is how it ends
One time I was with my family, I dropped my plate of food and I said ‘Goddamnit’ then my mom was like “you can’t say that” so I said “Fine. Satan bless it.” Everyone turned to look at me after I said. I forgot I was in church.
This is my legacy, the girl who said “Satan bless it” in church.
going back to school after a break is like when you pause a video game to go pee and when you come back you forget how intense and chaotic everything was when you paused it and the second you unpause it all your enemies collectively punch you in the face
*puts snapchat text over area of insecurity*
if i die my funerals gonna be the biggest fucken party and you’re all invited
great, the only party ive ever been invited to and he might not even die
like imagine if you’d never seen a dog and you saw a saint bernard and you were like, what’s that and then someone was like, thats a dog. and then you saw a chihuahua and you were like ok whats that and they were like, that’s a dog. wouldn’t you feel lied to? wouldn’t you sense that something was amiss